Just Thinking

Siblings are one of the best gifts from god. Whether in the various terms of reincarnations that brought 2 of you together (讨债／还债), I thought it is simply a blessing that you have him or her around you; because your siblings, both older and younger, teach you so many things and lessons in life – lessons which only your siblings are capable of teaching you.

Recently, in fact just yesterday night till today, I have learnt something very valuable – the importance of responding correctly when having conflicts with siblings. Many may think, ‘duh’, siblings get into quarrels and/or even fights every time! But in this conflict me and my brother had, I admit I was at the loosing end, emotionally battered and broken down from the inside.

On a Saturday night, after dinner, my parents seemed, specifically my father seem to have the urge to go out and but retracted his request due to the heavy rain. I encouraged him to carry on his intention since we are going to spend time as a family shopping, he asked, “Don’t you wanna study?” I held up the book and cheekily said, ” Family is more important.” And with a one word reply “True”, he called my mother to wait for us at our lobby.

So after picking up my mother things slowly took for a change. I was driving, my father sitting at the front  seat while my mum and brother sitting behind, we were heading for Centrepoint shopping centre. My father started mentioning about how he had some agreement with my brother about some issues (meant to be kept private). My mum added some comments, which seems to sparked some emotions in the conversations with my brother, after which my father intervene and the argument was prevented.

Then my father started talking about the need for proper communication (like he knows how to communicate the best, lol) and my brother started using some statements to spike me such as, “like some people thinks that they are my father”. I felt compelled to explain myself, and tried to put across the idea of the need to respecting each other and honest sharing of feelings.

Emotions between us escalated in exponential terms to a point where every word/ question/ statement put in between our conversations/ arguments was a fuel to a bigger argument. Voice raised, voice trembled. I found myself starting to take on the defensive position while my brother taking the offensive position in the argument… challenging me to do things and insulting my personality/ character and looks. Hurtful words spun through the air of the small 4-wheel drive. Accelerator increased to 4000 rpm. Emotions have taken over.

It was some time before my parents commanded us to “STOP!” and somehow I quietened down, kinda admit defeat. By the time the argument ended, my heart was broken – in fact, I feel like a broken man… Tears streamed down silently as I recalled those hurtful words which were fired during the moment of anger. I tried controlling, but all I could manage was the shallow breathing, I couldn’t hold back the tears as they just kept rolling down my cheeks. I was driving, but vision blurred (dangerous I know), so I drove slowly in the raining night.

My parents tried diverting the topic by giving me directions on the drivings and what not, but deep inside me I knew that I could not get over it that fast, my heart was not big enough a container to contain those hurtful words and do nothing about it. Upon reaching our destination, I managed to hold back my tears and put on a strong front, but not for long.

While walking along with my family, those words still twirled in my head, I told myself to let it go, but all efforts to do so went in vain. How? I calm myself down, knowing that my emotional coping mechanisms were damaged badly, I have to switch to problem-focused coping, I have to leave the scene. I passed the car key to my father while he was looking at his cameras, and he asked, “What’s this?” I told him that I need to go home first which had him asking me why. I attempted whispering into his ear, “No mood.” but those words just broke my voice out with signs of trembling. The emotions attached with those words are indescribably battering deep within my heart.

So I walked through the drizzling orchard road, to catch the bus while realizing my phone was left in the car. The bus ride home just saw me secretly tearing at the corner of the bus. I decided that staying at home would not help me now… I left the scene and I need to do something to distract my sad feelings and my running thoughts, STUDY! Simultaneously, I realized that something had to be done to ease my parents’ worry and the feud I had with my brother.

When I reached home, I grabbed my pen and paper and wrote separate letters to my parents and my brother. I wrote to have my parents to understand my current state of mind and have them know where I would be at and how I would be contactable. I thanked them for their understandings.

Then the letter to my brother, I literally wrote them with tears. But my psychological studies taught me that the reason why we quarrel was because of our misinterpretation of each other’s intentions and meanings. Therefore, I wrote to apologize for causing the misinterpretations that he had and admitted to him, through the letter, that the hardest thing for me to do right now in life, is to say the word “SORRY” to him face to face. On top of apologizing, I put across my point of view and clarified what I really wanted him to know, that as a brother, I just wanted to share my feelings and thoughts with him and never meant any harm whatsoever.

I left the letter, grabbed my stuffs, and left for Changi Airport… strolling through the 3 terminals for 3 hours and studied for another 6 hours or so. It turned out that my tear glands became more controllable and my mood became better. I knew instinctively that I had done something right for myself.

When I reached home this morning, I greeted my parents, who are reading their newspaper and headed straight for the bed. I saw a letter on my com but refused to look at it yet. I dived into my bed and all of a sudden, tears started rolling down my cheeks AGAIN! Darn, I never knew I was beaten up so bad!

After several hours, I picked myself up and tried reading the letter. The letter was from my brother :D It was a letter of how thankful he was for me to clarify my feelings for him, how sorry he was for those hurtful words and lastly let me quote, “Let it be known that no matter what, we are still brothers and I love you.”

As my tear glands became activated with mixed feelings, I knew deep down that things are gonna change for the better. I felt a deep sense of understanding for conflicts that we had and the forgiveness we have given to each other. And because of that I sit here now writing this very post to keep myself reminded of this very meaningful incident.

So putting it in overt terms, what have I learnt from this experience? Specifically this experience of siblings conflict?

1. When you are trapped in a scene (a car for example) try using emotional coping mechanism (for me, controlled breathing).

2. Leave the scene of conflict or the people you had conflict with if you know normal conversations between you all is virtually impossible without hurting each other.

3. Be proactive. Do some thing to resolve the conflict, never wait for the other to make the move first.

4. If saying is difficult, write.

5. Never insist that you are right, be the first one to apologize.

6. Clarify your intention, but be cautious about re-triggering any negative feelings.

7. Decide a time when you feel emotionally more stable to return to your pack.

8. Take care of every one’s feelings when you are taking your leave (for me, my parents and brother)

9. Know that words, in both verbal and written forms mean a great deal, use them wisely.

10. Acknowledge that there are some facts you can never run away with, once my brother (blood-related I mean), always my brother.

In closing to my pouring of my thoughts and feelings, conflicts are the results of poorly formulated intentions and arguments; it is YOUR fault that an argument started, no matter how hurt you are; unless you do something about it, nothing will resolve the conflict.

Thank you for those who persevered through this post and see actually how an emotionally rich experience with my brother has taught me probably the most important lessons I have learnt in the past 21 years of my life.

Brother, just know that I love you and we will and always stay brothers forever.

Neville.

After such a long absence from blogging, which I never had the passion to continue with, I found myself needing a place to scream out my feelings, figuratively I mean.

So here, getting all excited about my new apple tv, I watched a movie, ‘Living Proof’, streamed from my ipad to my television.

Watching this movie at such sinful hour didn’t make me feel guilty at all, despite my impending exams. I had a great revelation from the movie, one which re-oriented my life to it’s original runway.

Essentially, the movie narrates how university doctor, in his all-cramped-up laboratory in UCLA, was trying to push for the approval of a drug, herceptin, believed to be beneficial to women who contracted breast cancer. His effort was met with much scrutiny, disagreement and obstacles. From the quiet support from his wife, colleagues and friends, Dr Dennis Slamon persevered through those hard times; the times when people had no faith and trust with him, the times when he had to ruthlessly reject potential participants who could have benefitted from the various trial phases. 12 years into his research and efforts, the drug, herceptin, was finally approved, saving millions of women from breast cancer.

Following Dr Slamon through those emotionally tormenting and physically demanding moments made me re-think about my life; am I working hard enough for what I believe in? Am I believing enough in myself?

Dr Slamon strongly believed in his studies, he had to constantly overcome barriers which could have and had been terminating his study, the study which now saved millions of breast cancer patients. If Dr Slamon hadn’t stood by his belief, if he didn’t take on precautions and took care of his precious study, balanced between compassion and regulations, millions of breast cancer patients probably would never have made it today; the diagnosis of breast cancer might probably remain a death sentence, an illness with no treatment.

I’m grateful that there are such people around, fighting for the humankind. Through the bird’s eye view of the process in herceptin’s approval, I rediscovered the meaning of my existence, to fight for the good of humankind.

Dr Slamon might have healed breast cancer patients, but he had healed me in the heart and mind, which should permeate their humble compassion and knowledge to the rest of human beings; the reason why I am studying psychology.

A heartfelt thank you to all casts in the ‘Living Proof’ and special thanks to Dr Dennis Slamon.

It’s been awhile since I have blogged. I don’t blog frequent any way, but some thoughts are just hard to ignore, there must be a place to leave these thoughts in.

“…from when you came in till now, I realized a drastic change in you Neville… you’ve became negative…” My direct superior told me in chinese over a cup of coffee and tea. Those words has been ringing in my mind. It brought me to a sudden realization about the image I portray to others in an unpleasant working environment. While accepting the honest comment with a grateful heart, I thought back, “is thinking negative always bad anyway?”

Just as different people prosper with different ideology, different principles, different schools of thoughts, workers in various environment also work optimally with different adapted ways of thinking. As most of us would be aware by now, positive thinking has been propagated through a wide range of channels. However, it is worthy to be cautious that being ‘too positive’ in life will result in an even more unpleasant consequences, especially in the working environment I’ve been in for the past one year. Being too positive will result in us setting unrealistic goals/ expectations, makes us ignore possible consequences hence making poor judgements and decisions.

In fact after the trigger words of my superior, I found that I was indeed too positive. It is through the years, my train of thoughts are being constantly moulded and shaped from the unrealistic fantasy imagination then, to the practical cautious mind today, that’s where a little more negative thinking comes into play.

Some organizations are fortunate to have a positive working environment while others are cultivating an environment which constantly yields negative experience for their workers. While the prior would prosper, the latter may but only with a much slimmer chance and will definitely not last for long.

Experience shapes our patterns of thoughts. When our mindset is constantly being challenged by events happening in our working environment, situation would eventually force us to ‘mindREset’. Simply because the reset thinking is suppose to prosper in the environment. Of course certain individuals choose not to change their thinking, these people often end up in conflicts with the organization. Unless the person is influential enough, his stand would be easily overthrown by the organization, especially when the organization is already a well established one.

Nonetheless, it is important to be reminded that while our ‘good’ way of thinking may be re-shaped by the organization, this renewed way of thinking should either be brought out of the organization if it’s good, or kept only in the organization if it’s self-defeating. A tad bit of negativity in me is good as I would be in a better position to weigh my plausible consequences. For the past year, I have witnessed how my over-positive thinking landed me into some unpleasant situations which I failed to foresee. If not for the bit of negativity that grew in me, I reckoned that I would be in an even hotter pot of soup right now.

However, my superior’s observations is hard to ignore. The fact that he used the word ‘drastic’ certainly meant something. As the saying goes, no smoke no fire, my  superior must have observed a number of negative displays in me during my working life. Thinking back, one possible reason for this observation is that I grumble too much. As much as I can write down the reasons I grumble into a book, now I can see how much colleagues do not like to be grumbled upon. Since this unconscious habit is being brought to my conscious attention, it’s certainly time for CHANGE, to minimize if not stop grumbling.

Through this process, it certainly highlighted the importance of being honest. Many times truth hurts. But it is through truth that we know where to improve from as a person. While my superior cares about my feelings, as it may affect my work performance, he also wished that I improve as a person, the simple comment probably took him some contemplation and courage to be so straightforward and direct. For that, I thank him for the courage and honesty for they are worthy and set me thinking :D

About a week or 2 ago, I went to the “Buddhism and Science Symposium Emotional Awareness: Cultivating Mental Balance and A Good Life” to have a better understanding about “a good life”. It’s a symposium which my mother persuaded me to go and I thought, it would be good to spend some quality time with her and learn some perspectives of good life. Certainly I had never thought of what a good life is.

However through the symposium, the talks given by 3 highly prestigious speaker certainly shed light on some of the obvious facts in life we usually are not conscious of. And the key to leading a good life really depends on where our emotion lies, hence Emotional Awareness was the focus of the symposium.

I would like to share some issues that were raised by the 3 speakers mainly, Venerable Jing Yin, Dr Allan Wallace and Dr Paul.

To lead a good life, we must be able to manage our emotions well and keep it well balanced. So an emotionally balanced life is a good life. Nonetheless, it is important to note that emotion is not something that we would normally be consciously aware of. We react to whatever events that come upon us which made us nearly disempowered of our emotions. So the key to being emotionally balanced is AWARENESS.

Dr Paul noted that there were times where we really cannot control our emotions, and this works to our benefit. He gave a near accident event as an example. In the event when a driver realizes that he is going to knock into an oncoming vehicle, he will immediately sense danger and instantly turn the steering wheel to one side while releasing the accelerator hence preventing an accident. Think about it, it takes less than a quarter of a second for this driver to sense danger and provide immediate feedback to his hands to turn the steering wheel to prevent accident. If this driver were to pause and calculate the speed of his car and the velocity of the other car, the angle which he would need to turn and whether he should accelerate or decelerate, would he have prevented accident which could cause his life? So this example shows us that nature created some inherent life-saving sensing device for us which allows us to act unconsciously.

Nonetheless, Dr Paul also noted that emotions may proved to be useless or even detrimental to some of our life’s aspects. One of the obvious one would be interpersonal relationship. The result of feeling angry/ frustrated/ distraught/ anxious/ lack of confidence are examples of detrimental effects emotions can bring to us. Therefore, other than being a life-saving sensing device, emotions also can make us respond in an inappropriate behavior, something which all of us are guilty of and can easily cite examples from our personal lives.

So the question is, can we control them? The answer is yes! All we need to do is to be aware of these emotions. When we were become aware of such emotions, we will know when the emotion is coming up and will be able to suppress them using various coping method or simply just let it off with a deep breathe/ relaxation techniques.

However, to be aware to our emotions, we first have to know what emotions do we have. Dr Paul mentioned that there are broadly, 7 kinds of emotions, namely Anger, Fear, Disgust, Sadness, Surprise, Enjoyment, Contempt.

So those emotions that lead us to inappropriate behaviors are majority the negative ones. So it is important to be aware when the impulse to these emotions arises.

Dr Paul said that between impulse and emotion, there is this short period of time, just like spark before fire. It is during this period of time in which we choose to let go of our emotions or take it back. So more than just being aware of our emotions, we need to be even more aware of our impulse! So that we can prevent or suppress such impulses to negative emotions when they arise.

Dr Paul suggested an exercise which he calls the mind focus meditation technique. He recommends people to keep a diary of regrettable behaviors. Then beside these behaviors write down what is the trigger (impulse) which triggered the emotion that cause those regrettable behavior. After which, rate objectively how you think the behavior has been, over-reacted, under-reacted, or simply inappropriate. Through this exercise, when you collected to a list about 30 to 40 regrettable behaviors, you should be able to identify some common pattern and triggers which cause those regrettable behaviors. This will help us in our awareness of our impulse and make us more alert to them when it arises. Hence giving us the time to decide upon what we want to do with the impulse in future, to hold it back.

Knowing now that the key to an emotional balanced life is being aware of our impulses and emotions, we must also know about the factors which cause our impulses. Venerable Jing Yin mentioned that most of our emotions are triggered by worldly events and happenings Those external objects and external conditions are perceived by us through our sense organs which in turn trigger our emotions then behavior.

Venerable Jing Yin also shared that it is worthy to note that ALL negative emotions start with self consciousness. Most of the time it is due to not being able to achieve a goal that was set. In other words, the difference between ideal and reality. Or simply put, it is based on the thinking “I cannot get what I want/need to get”.

So Venerable Jing Yin then mentioned, when you attained the highest state of mind, you have changed your mind to a state where it is no longer affected by the environment or situations. This allows you to regain control over your emotions. More than that, you even get to control the impulse that sets into your mind. One level up.

An example Venerable Jing Yin made about this would be, if a wife’s husband snores very loudly, the wife can choose to be angry and do whatever to make the husband stop snoring. The wife can also suffer in agony quietly at one side of the bed and complain the next morning. The wife can also accept that happily and go to sleep! Quoting Venerable Jing Yin who made a joke out of this example, “If he snores, so be it! If he does not snore, he’s not my husband!”

So the key here is this, people is who they are, we cannot change them. So change ourselves to have an emotional balanced life.

Dr Allan Wallace’s speech is a very good round up even though he was not the last speaker. He started off saying that we all live with a question embedded deep in our mind when we are seeking for happiness. “Who’s going to make me happy?”

Dr Allan mentioned that most of us are still living in a hunters gatherer’s mindset. In the past, hunters go out to hunt for food and come back to gather with their prizes then make and merry. These hunters gatherer gain satisfaction of their hunger from the external source of food. They would be happy when the food they caught was abundant and would not be so if there were inefficient food. Their life revolves around the external sources. So do all of us in the post-modern world. We live looking for the external sources to stimulate our happiness (emotions). Do we not have any internal resources that we can utilize so to remain happy?

To answer that question, Dr Allan came up with a broad concept of happiness, separating the sources of happiness into 2 types.

The first source is PLEASURE. This pleasure is commonly understood by pleasure we get from the things around us. What we get: jewelry, properties, car, accessories, etc. This is the example of external source of happiness that we gain from pleasure. Such mundane pleasure is limited by the things we can get from around us and cannot be long lasting.

So instead of getting pleasure from what we get from the world, gain pleasure from what we can bring to the world. In this case, we can have more autonomy to when we want to be happy or happier! We will have a greater variety as we can choose what to do that makes us happy. This is exactly mother theresa’s kind heart is all about. To all of us it seems that she did so much hard work to touch lives. To her however, it was probably effortless as she felt the joy when giving people a hand to hold on to. This is genuine happiness, happiness that arises from your own mind. Nonetheless, it is important to note that giving to the world does not limit ourselves to only giving to humans! Animal, plants, surrounding environments and all are places where we can invest our happiness in. Hence with that, we also must learn to remain happy even when we are by ourselves.

Ultimately, we make many decisions, by ourselves, we sleep ourselves, we get sick ourselves, we day ourselves. So during all these periods, we need to be able to keep happy, or rather, a healthy emotion.

This leads us to the second source of happiness - cultivation of the mind. Meditation is a cultivation of the heart and the mind. By cultivating, we are in seek of the truth. The root of suffering is ignorance. So simply, the root of happiness is knowing reality as what it is. In the bible, John 8:32 “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (NIV) The joy of knowing the truth, is probably one of the hardest to explain by words. Because it is the joy of the mind, the happiness of pure satisfaction, satisfaction of knowing. It requires the practitioner, the seeker of the truth (for eg. religious people), who are slowly  and steadily uncovering the truth, to truly understand the happiness from the cultivation of the mind. Such joy can only be experienced and cannot be described.

Dr Allan also further re-empahsised on the point in which Dr Paul made, the key to emotional awareness and cultivating a mentally balanced good life, is to be able to choose correctly during the brief time between impulse and action. And while we are learning to cultivating mental balance, we must remember to regenerate and echo this understanding we attained to our next generation, in order for them to eventually achieve genuine happiness.

I would like to end of with a quote from Dr Allan Wallace which beautifully summarized the entire symposium, “There’s something that comes in between impulse and action - wisdom.”.

This is probably the most mentally tormenting day I experienced. What can cause such distress to a person’s mental health one may ask. In essence, I thought the answer would be the difference between a person’s patience and the time he waited, and the objective-less of a certain task. Frankly, when I have to wait for others to get things done, I always get the feeling that the task will NEVER be completed. Some may say it’s the lack of trust, but it’s truly hard to trust when you are simply surrounded by a bunch of procrastinators untrustworthy brats who thinks that the whole world only revolves about their business. Even a 5 minutes job can be a chore to them like it can take their lives! Worst off… I feel that it is the blind leading the blinder through today’s events! Probably the personnel leading was not blind but did not give clear precise instructions. In between units they do not cooperate and minimal preparation was done to ensure ANYTHING at all! It is easy to simply suggest improvements in a person’s completed work compared to completing the work from scratch! Some superiors just do not see the process of thinking we go through when coming out with a proposal! Many times superiors think that they are top of the world, always right.

At this time and before, I feel a sense of lostness, directionless, goal-less, objective-less. Probably it is just my fault, my fault in not listening properly to instructions, my fault in being careless, my fault in not being able to react to situations and resolve the problem put up for me!!! Even still, I’m still at a state of despair and upset. At the moment, even though it is good/ right, but I find it hard to stay positive. Even positivism has it’s limits.

The cliched ‘power of love’ has been familiar to many ears. But yet, these 3 seemingly insignificant words ring the bell of many when we experience or witness what extraordinary behaviour human possess by the name of love. Because of love we act what seems to be foolishly, cuz of love we self sacrifice, cuz of love we restrict, cuz of love we anger, cuz of love… This world is filled with love, and love overflows our earth. Many times we thought we know what love is, but those humble 3 words teach us that we know nothing about love. For we use the 3 words to describe unimaginable behaviours which we some times admire, while other times we frown upon. What ‘love’ I’m describing? It’s the ‘love” that has been revolving in your mind…. For the highest form of love isn’t distinguishing the different types, but the unification of all types to form ONE love.

After work I went out with some of my friends. These friends are some good friends I have been having with me for the past many years. They are rather special in a way, friends that I have good relationship with yet we do not meet up or even talk on msn often. Nonetheless, I found that during some conversations or another, I cannot get into the conversation. It is not the ‘me’ my friends knew, it is not even the ‘me’ i knew! Getting into a conversation had been on the tip of my fingers, sleight of tongue.

But now I found myself so much more quiet, so much more self enclosed. Still, I do not know what has been going through my mind? Is it a silent shout for attention, is it tiredness, is it stress, or is it…? There are thousand and one reason to pick, but I could not know even about myself.

Sometimes I feel I’m in a ‘stuck’ state. Neither here nor there, not knowing what is happening to me….

I just watched a ‘stay-home saturday movie on 5—The Terminal’. In essence, the movie depicts a Krakozhian man who was stuck in New York airport, spending quite some months waiting for his approval for entry to New York. During this period of constant trying and waiting, he slowly and unintentionally started to make the day for the staffs working in the airport. While the higher authorities were giving him a big headache, he lightened up the day of every one he meets, from cleaners to officers. Well, as with all stories, it all ended with a happy ending when he was at last able to enter New York to fulfill a promise to his dad. Because of that promise, he waited.

The focus on this film seems to be on waiting. It focused on what happened during that long wait this Krakozhian man had to go through.

It certainly brings me to relate it to us common people’s life. What happened during our wait? What happened when we are waiting for the arrival of our exams? What happened when we wait for our results? What happened when we wait for school to reopened? Wait for enlistment; Wait for the next phase of army; Wait for ORD; Wait for university application replies; Wait for our love’s reply; Wait for…

Our whole life we have been waiting, but have we live the life as fulfilling as this man? Giving joy and hope to people around him, trying to help whenever possible, giving his all when it comes to people’s matter but scrimp and save for his own.

I’m not saying we have to live his kind of life to be fulfilling, but is our life somewhat like this? Just that it puts me into some thoughts, how can a man, a nobody, who started off penniless in an airport, survived so well and emerged out of the airport with every staffs giving him their support?

It all boils down to those basic character in us. The willingness to help, the willingness to share, being willing….

Life is always about waiting, in fact to be more pessimistic, life is a long wait to death. During this wait, what do we do? Would we walk out of those doors like this man, with smiles and supports all round him or otherwise? 

Ever had those times when you start to reminisce on those good old times? When you hung out with your friends and had fun; when through some tough times and emerged as close buddies; foster good relationships when pursuing a common goal…isn’t those good old times so nice to lay back upon?

I had training with my juniors today when one of my batch mate came back to help around. Later after the training, we started discussing about how the session went. Well as humans, we nearly always presume that our batch is the best! So we started complaining how things did not go so well and what could have improved. In the midst of those lamenting, both of our minds started to have images from the past creeping out on us. It was a brief conversation on how in the past, we as a batch trained up whole-heartedly for the competition. After training we had those unofficial bonding activities when we went out to have dinner together and gossip around! Friends teasing each other and doing all sorts of silly things! We had fun all over!

Hmmm… But those good old times remain as good OLD times… as my batch made said, “I really miss those times.”

Yes, I really do…

She cried, I paused….and thought,”Thank God!”

It was in the midst of a Youth Adult Ministry gathering in a church, we split up to get ready the dinner. I was preparing some the fragile cakes which I carefully placed neatly on the table when at the corner of my eyes, I saw 3 girls in tears. One of them being my junior who I had known for some time now. So after laying down the cakes, I brought over 3 pieces of cakes for them, hoping to cheer them up.

I was not clear why they were in tears anyway, but thought that it is not a good time to ask since they were all “hyped” up emotionally. As we know, emotion and rationality works opposite ways. When one goes up, the other goes down. Hence I probably will not get a clear answer at the point of time, but hope that by the cakes will certainly make them feel better. Nonetheless, I can’t help but asked my junior,”Why are you covered in tears?” She turned back and looked at me, “No…Just stressed.”

I was puzzled as earlier in the morning I knew that she was stressed due to her choices she has to decide upon: Oxford research psychology or NUS medicine. On one side, she loves psychology a lot and yearned to be a psychiatrist as it is of the better pay in the psychology field. On the other side, Oxford is such a great opportunity to forgo and is offering a course she is also interested in! So granted, it is rather a tough decision to make. But why be in tears because of this?

So later in the evening, I took a chair and sat right next to her. I asked again, ” Are you feeling better? What happened?” She briefly looked at me with those swollen eyes and started to say softly but clearly, “I have decided to go Oxford.” So there comes an understanding to me, “So you were crying because you will miss your friends here?” She shook her head, ” No, but I realized that I wanted to become a psychiatrist for the wrong reason. I wanted to be a psychiatry because of its higher pay.” After saying that with that shivery voice, she cried. And I thought to myself “Thank God!”

It is amazing how God has been so faithful in guiding our inner soul we call our conscience. How God teach us these values subtly to us every now and then. This girl who has been faithful in serving God saw her spiritually undesired worldly desire, turning towards Godly desire, all in one day. It is a wonder, it is something to rejoice for, it is all not possible without the grace of God. I thank God for leading this precious girl of yours, so patiently and by the grace of yours. Amen!

While I was doing duty one night, I checked my posts and realized that I have so many grammar and spelling errors. It was a shock really, but my english ain’t that good any way, so I guess it is ok?

Anyway I have been posting rather impromptu-ly, normally when being on the go, hence the mistakes…

Nonetheless, I still need a place to really blurt out some things that are bottling up within me so much! Those small voices in my head which need a place to be in!

Recent days haven’t been a slack day for me, good and bad I’d say. Ever since I entered the office, jobs have been piling up or popping out from god-knows-where. I feel like I have been a dart board FULL OF DARTS! OUCH!

This week I have been on duty twice already with one of the days on a Sunday. Furthermore I was being called to help in some tabulation of scores which took me the whole day, the whole of my focus and the whole of my eye power to actually complete it! Due to some discrepancies in the data given to me, I made some mistakes and hence the product of the work was unsatisfactory. Even though when I smiled to my superior and tried to cool him down despite of those hurting words, I felt unfair :( 

Data given me was not correct and I was blamed for not producing the right data even though the fact was made known to him! Oh well, this is the world, this is the army, so be it. No point going about arguing this kind of minute matters and damage relationship right? I still need to be in here for the next many months! So better safe myself first :p

On a lighter note, my ex-instructor drop by my work place for some conference which I was involved in. I was really overjoyed to see some familiar mother figure face! Though he may be a bit like your mum who nags over things, I thought he is a man with a wealth of knowledge and a leader who leads with example. Not really my idol but a man worth learning from, so I am very proud to have him as my instructor! When he came and finished the conference, we had a chit chat and catching up of HIS old days. So for me is like a small kid, sitting on the chair and listen old grandpa talk about those “in my time…” stories. :) I certainly enjoyed them :D

But when I went back to office, work and work again! Is either email replying or tabulation of results. Though it is really dreadful, I still see that there is certainly a potential for me to learn much more!

So I guess I should keep positive and stay strong! Live up to a better tomorrow :D

During this period of time, I have to admit I am going through one of the toughest time of my life. What is it I cannot say. There seemed to be a psychological burden yet it seemed that I have been ignorant about it.

Until this girl who came in, added me on facebook, and after some conversations that I vaguely recall her presence in my life. When I added her to my messenger, she left me with a message, claiming to know that I am experiencing some hard time and asking me to hold on tight to god…

I do not see this girl as a friend in the past, but now I see her as an angel sent from god. She hardly knows me and we were literally having zero contact in the past one year plus. Yet her relationship with god penetrates through my very soul, she can tell through the net that I am experiencing some indescribable problem which I left it dangling at the back of my mind.

God is just so amazing, I thank you lord for bringing this person once again into my life, and to help me, through her, get to know you better. I thank her, I thank you…

Everybody had times when they felt that they experience a very bad day, probably the worst day in their life so far… Today is one of those days for me. It all started well like any other normal day where I wake up early jn the morning to conduct physical training for the recruits. As time slips to slightly later into the morning,things turn really nasty… I received a cal to collate results from various units yet many of the units are reluctant to even give a proper reply even when I gave them a call through the phone. Followingly I was told to proceed to my base camp for some briefing. And all I know, I only go back to get a 5min bred and chuck a clipboard aside to one cupboard that’s all!!! After that I was left dangling in the office doing nothing at all!!! What a waste of time. If this was a typical day I spend in my base camp, I wouldn’t have complaint… But no! I am an attached personnel who was called to travel those miles wasting my fares for what short briefings… And before I know it, my attire was being criticized as I was in the supposed improper attire for booking in and out of my base camp…(because I came from another camp and the call back sad totally uncalled for). And when it comes to attire, it seemed so strange when a person of a higher authority approved one kind of attire when my superior disapproved and insisted on another more uncomfortable set of attire. In camp we are supposed to book in with our working attire if not civilian attire. So I do not really see in the fuss of my attire. Other than attire, my colleague was slogging away doing some re-collation of the particulars of other unit’s personnel… Not our job scope! It is the other units who are in charge in this matter and I have no idea why should we be doing it abruptly. When jobs are dispersed out for others to do who have more manpower to play around with, I certainly do not see why should we take in all the others jobs and suffocate what little manpower we have! Having said that, my superior is a nice guy and has been taking care of us very well… Just that this is really a horribly wrong day for me as I do not see much point in many things that are done.